serving

serving

Just about everyone seems to have dry spells, periods where they have trouble being as immersed in their spirituality as they’d like. Whether it comes about from major life changes, a hectic day-to-day routine, a bout of depression or anxiety or other emotional crash, or just entirely randomly, I’ve heard so many people refer to it happening that I can’t say I feel alone when it hits me.

I lit a candle for Nebt-het today and poured Her Her favorite-so-far drink, and I sat before my shrine and played guitar for Her. I wanted– really, intensely wanted– to feel Her presence as I had before, a tall slender woman in violet-grey with long, cool fingers.

But my head was cloudy, and while I felt strangely certain She was around, I couldn’t for the life of me actually pick up on Her presence with my senses as I normally could. It was hard for me to focus, though I tried.

Instead, I wrote in my prayerbook and prayed over it, sending my words and hopes to Netjer on behalf of other people.

And I want to find other ways I can serve– serve Her, my Mother, serve Netjer, uphold ma’at. I will donate money to causes where I can, I will spread the word when I can, but that feels like the very least I can do, not something that’s really done out of service to Netjer. I want to think about what else I can do, in terms of a short-notice not-formal-volunteering thing. Putting in time at the local shelter or soup kitchen is a wonderful thing, but not something that can be done spontaneously at 11h30 at night, you know?

Is posting on the forums and welcoming my siblings in Kemetic Orthodoxy a service to Netjer? Is praying for the sick, the injured, the passed a service in my Mother’s name, She who is guide to the newly dead and comfort to those grieving? Does it really matter and have an impact when I do these tiny, intangible things? Am I really making the world better, even in the smallest possible way, or am I taking a token action only to make myself feel like I am?

I don’t know the answer. I might never know. But I want to find concretely Good Things to do when I feel the need to offer some part of my time and energy to the world in gratitude for being alive in it.